i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
