My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
