Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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