the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
