Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
