you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
