He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
