I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
