getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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