I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
