I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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