I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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