Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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