She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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