Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
