Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
