Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
