I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize