you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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