First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize