You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
