I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
