You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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