Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
