wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
