a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Randomize
