you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
