I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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