Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
