I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
