you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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