I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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