this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
