I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
