This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
