my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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