if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
