I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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