I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
