i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
