How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
