Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i came on her dog
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
