all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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