conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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