Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
