I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
