you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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