u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
