Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
