my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
