a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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