Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
