how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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