If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize