I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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