you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
