Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my being single is dangerous.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
